Dear Bade Mumma,

As I’m writing this, I feel empty and numb because this is my first experience of losing someone so close to me. I’m pausing at each word to just breathe, and I’m trying to take your last image out of my mind and trying to replace it with you holding my hand each time I entered the house, giving me a wide smile and calling me all sorts of pretty names. I’m just heartbroken to learn that as I swing open the door now, and give a hug to buji, I won’t get to run and say ‘mein bade mumma ko hello bol kar aayi!’

You know how messy my sleep schedule is right? This morning when I was going to sleep around 5 am, I felt a little anxious but thought it was probably nothing. Two hours later, I heard buji crying very loud, and Yashika silently coming up to me and telling me that you’re gone. My eyes are welling up with tears as I even use the word ‘gone’.

I got up and just sat on the sofa. I didn’t get it, I was just blank, and when I saw you for the very last time, it hit me, that it was you, my favourite person, who made me fall in love with plants and anything that’s green, and old retro bollywood, and made sure I always knew how proud you were of me.

I remember you hitting me playfully on the head when I gave you a little journal tour, and telling me to send it to newspapers and get everything published. I remember you crying with joy each time I achieved a little something, even if it was a basic class test, and you always telling me ‘khoob padho beta, khoob padho’. I’m so sorry, that I wasn’t able to spend time with you because of my NEET grind, I’ll always somehow somewhere deep down hate myself for it.

I want you to know something. You have made me so, so happy. From your little quirks to you asking me to eat 20 times a day. You’ve been so strong, so so strong, and that’s how i’ll always remember you.

I’m sitting here replaying all of our funny little videos and live pictures and I just feel numb, like someone has shot me with emotional anaesthetic. I went to take a walk in the lawn this morning but I couldn’t help but think of how you would’ve pointed out each plant and talked about how pretty it looked.

Remember those red flowers you loved so much? I left a small bunch with you when I saw you today for the last time and I hope you received it. Each time I water it now I’ll know that a part of it is with you too. Today, it felt like those plants were a little sad too, but also telling me that i’d be alright, it’ll all be alright. You’ll always be my buddy, and when I do go to Dubai, I promise to check out old cuties for you.

I promise to take care of mumma papa, and buji. Buji is broken, but I promise to hold her while she tries to be okay, and not leave her alone for even a minute. We will heal, because that’s what you would’ve wanted right?

I’m leaving this short eulogy here, on my blog. So that you always stay here, with me in my happy place and I promise to take care of the little garden we decorated together, I’ll sit in the same spot where we sat every evening and each time the breeze hits my face, I’ll know it’s you whispering in my ears that I’d be okay, and each time there are pretty clouds in the sky, I’ll know you’re looking down at us, and that you still have our back, just like we always had yours.

I love you, Mrs Promila Saini. Rest in Power. ♥️

Sunflowers will always remain close to my heart and remind me of you, and us looking at them together and talking about how pretty they are, each time we sat in the lawn during summer evenings.