Hello my virtual (not so personal) diary,
I don’t know if I still have people reading my blogs, but if you’re here, hello, hope you’re well and everything’s safe at your end.
It’s been a while, eh? More like, almost a year. Well, needless to say, it’s been a tough year. Well the title’s a bit dramatic considering the fact that I’m only 19 (and a half, yes the half’s important) and I have a good chunk of my life ahead of me and I’ve barely started out, as some might put it. I’ve been hesitating to write here because I genuinely have been feeling like the synchrony that I always possessed, between my thoughts and words isn’t there anymore. Or well, is kinda blurred now. It’s taken me a lot of courage to start writing again, even if it’s me dropping tiny life updates.
Let’s pick up from where we last left now, shall we? The last blog post was a eulogy for my grandma, who I lost to covid and who was one of my favourite people around. Well you know, recently, I came across this piece that talked about how everything in the universe is related to the laws of thermodynamics.
“Energy can neither be created nor be destroyed.” I think this is a beautiful way to console someone who’s grieving. To simply put it, the deceased, their energy is simply around us, it’s just transformed from one form to another, and that they’ll always be here. According to the law of conservation of energy, not a bit of you is ever gone, you’re just less orderly.
It’s taken me a great deal to get past that one loss and this scientific analogy is one of the most beautiful philosophies I’ve ever come across. It’s like, science meeting poetry, and that makes my heart so, so full.
So a major event from the time of September 2020 till well, today (and the next 1-3 months) has been, and is going to be all about me deciding what college I’d end up going to, well more like whether or not I make it.
For those of you who do not know, I had physics, chemistry, biology and art in high school, and I took NEET in 2020, didn’t get into the med school I desperately wanted, by a tiny margin, and well, was heartbroken for months.
The education system is funny. They tell you to work extremely hard, they teach you literally everything other than dealing with failure. I never thought that I wouldn’t make it considering the kind and amount of effort I put in, and it took me a long long time to get over it. So much so, NEET became a trigger word for me and I had to seek therapy to overcome the anxiety and panic attacks it caused. I had been doing decently in school right from the beginning and suddenly my world came crashing down. I know it sounds VERY dramatic when I put it this way, but honestly that’s how it felt, like my heart had been stomped over.
It took me a lot of months to pick those pieces up and gear up for another few months of grill, but this time, I promised myself that I’d be gentler, that I’d take better care of myself, like I’d take care of someone I love. Today was the last exam, from a series of colleges I applied to this year. And dear self, I know I don’t say it enough and I’ll try to say it more often, but I’m so proud of you. It’s been so challenging, emotionally and mentally, and I’m SO proud of you for picking yourself up over and over again.
Also, a new chapter awaits. And I know myself, I’ll put my heart into whatever I do and I just hope it all works out. The next 1-2 months might be full of me being anxious about where or how I’d end up (might even end up ranting here), but at least I know how hard I worked throughout school and my one year of sabbatical post that. I did my best, and that to me is worthwhile.
Honestly, this gap year has been a blessing. And it’s been beautiful, I feel like I’m a better, older version of myself, and also, very very grateful.
Manifesting everything working out for the rest of the year.
And hey, thank you for reading this, means the world to me. 🙂
Until next time,
B
timetravelballoon 